The feeling of comfort, the feeling that chaos has been overcome by Order, is a state of being that often leaves me perplexed. Chaos, though a constant in this world, the perfect lexicon for an inevitable facet of life, pushes me to seek Order at all time.
I seek Order. Why? To gain control; to gain on control on what? This continues to be something that eludes me. On some days, I tend to believe I seek control on the world that surrounds me, on the fate that awaits me. On others, I tend to seek control on the actions I bestow onto this world. The same world whose Chaos, by it’s very fleeting nature, leads me down roads I have never chosen.
It could be said, that by seeking Order, I can take back control from the hands of a chaotic environment, and decide which road I shall embark on. Order is where all variables are under control, it is a place in which you feel at ease. Order is where all of your energies, those in your control, and those out of, mingle in a perfect symbiosis. It is a place where everything makes sense; or enough sense for you to control what that sense means to you.
Yet, Order, once achieved, teases me with it’s arrogant ephemerality. Order, is a animal, a being, that thrives and purrs in the notion of its brevity. It torments you as it slips between your fingers, it leaves its lingering scent behind as it inevitably disappears. Order keeps the seat warm for Chaos.
If I am the captain of my life, then the latter reminds me of a long stretch of the bluest ocean. A horizon that elongates for as far as your eyes may see; and it seems constant, and consistent in it’s unpredictability. The water of this ocean are murky and dangerous, like those of a storm. This is the chaos of life. Its troubled waters and the waves they emit can tip you overboard at any time.
Though there may be passengers on your boat, there is only captain, and whether you like it or not, this captain is you. Some captains are better equipped, whether in nature, nurture, or equipment, but all captains must ride these troubled waters alone.
I see Order as the equipment that helps steady the ship, it allows the captain to navigate the troubled waters, which can never be tamed. However, I am yet to fully comprehend what the ship represents. Is it a vehicle for my emotions, or a vehicle of my actions? What is it that carries me throughout this life of mine? Do I ride on the emotions that I emit, or do I ride on the actions that get me further adrift and into the horizon?
Though I may never know the answer to this question, I must not let the waves tip me overboard.